Pardon Excusez-Moi?

I walked in the rain today. No, no, not the emo kind of 'I wish I would get pneumonia and die' sort of walk.

It was rejuvenating just breathing in the dewy scent,

And watching people power walking with an umbrella in hand,

Standing in the exact spot under a tree where the land was dry,

Not moving an inch, knowing that standing under a tree while its raining is the worst idea imaginable.

Drying off skin with a face towel only to get hopelessly drenched in rain again,

Sitting in the front seat of the car, just watching the raindrops fall,

knowing I was safe and warm in caring arms.

Who knew I would do such crazy things at the age of 20? ;)

xx

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

Katie Melua

I've failed to update my blog yet again.

Been back 2 weeks now basking in the not so luxurious tropical heat. Mmhm.

As for what I've done, I can't say it's much. This summer holiday will be my last for a very long time to come, sadly.

I've been relishing in the simple delights of the local cuisine. It's refreshing to see a plate of tomato kueh tiaw at rm4.50.

And being in the company of loved ones dearly missed. Absence does make the heart fonder I believe.

Till I write again, I shall have so many stories to tell, some to be shared and some to be kept to myself in my heart and never to be shared evermore :)

xx

I am finally freed from my enslavement to exams! No longer chained and bound to anatomy books and heavy files forced to read all about the most 'commonest' cancer and the brain and all.

Mm..Yes, yes I am exaggerating. It wasn't....too....bad...

Of course I would rather go through a thousand exams than to be actually enslaved and made to drag boulders and plough the fields.(barbaric, inhumane and absolutely tremendously vile!) Ok, maybe not a thousand exams. Say...10?

Ahh, it's such a beautiful day isn't it?

I shall catch Angels and Demons tonight. It's a weekday so its 2 for 1 entry! Ooh, and indulge in Malaysian Delight's Prawn noodles.

It's gonna be one very very long period of quiescence for me till I can go home in July. And it's not like I have that much money left in my account to do shopping or globetrotting. Sigh. Yes, Lilian is officially broke...again. Oh, but that doesn't mean she's gona stop shopping!

I can;t wait for my parents to come!!! And I can revert back to the spoilt baby me and need not worry about how I'm gonna pay for dinner and shopping. Ahhh, I miss me parents so much! Skyping with them is just not the same.

And I am thissssss close to being able to cuddle Lucky again. And try like every single Laksa in Kuching with 3 layer milk tea. And..ooh..I think I'm gonna make Laksa this weekend. ;) And three layer milk tea. I've just got too much time in my hands now its frightening. Hmm, I don't remember feeling like that last year..

I think I'm getting olde...

I'm choosing a good dinner and movie over a partying night at Barracudas.

Ah...............................what should I do?

Ok, I'm going to vacuum me room! Should I start packing...or not............

Mm, I'm gonna miss this room. This house? Maybe a lil bit. The slugs? Defo not.

xx

Tomorrow will mark the final day of my exams. It has been long and stressful but I've done it!

This must be the millionth time I'm saying it but I still cannot believe how quickly time pass. In a month my second sister will be graduating from Kings making her the second doctor in the family.

Now all eyes shall be on me.

Truth be told, I'm a bit worn from walking this far. And it's only the beginning of the journey. There's still a long way ahead of me. Aching shoulders, callused limbs, frayed clothing.. Yes, I'm getting old.

Mm, sometimes I don't understand why would people celebrate their aging. I would think there would be a day I wouldn't want my birthday to be published in Facebook nor celebrated extravagantly. Each year that pass me by brings me closer to...

Dying? My greatest fear, a secret no more. Shh.

I went to town yesterday to get some cookies and a breath of fresh air and simply enjoy the beautiful sun on my face. It was crowded and as I was queuing at the cash point a family walked by me. A lovely young couple with a blonde cheery baseball cap clad toddler grasping the hands of his dad and the mom pushing a pram with a lovely baby girl. They were eating strawberry and chocolate ice cream from Thorntons.

I've always known that it would be very unlikely that I would one day even think of settling down. I have too many lists, criterias, too many things I want to do. Oh and I blame the fairytales with their 'And they lived happily ever after' endings. But that image I saw yesterday struck a chord within me. Can something as beautiful as this exist in a self destructing world today? At that moment, everything looked so pretty and perfect. What about 2 years from now? 3 years? 10 years?

Is there something more to the modern family that I didn't know about? 20 years ago, I would have said yes. But today, being brought up in a world full of selfishness, greed, obsessions..I can't help being sceptical. If true 'till death do us apart' love still exist I shall eat my hat. Or maybe 10 years from now I should start cryopreserving eggs. Ok, bad joke.

I believe it's not that love doesn't exist. I think it exist everywhere around us. It's just that as we age, the people around us age, the world age, our expectations grow and grow. We expect more than just a feeling. We want security, stability, society's approval..and on top of that successful careers. Yup, the Posh and David signature family. But even so, do they look happy? Hey, blame the media for putting more pressure on us to conform. You don't see a career woman marrying a penniless and jobless man just on the basis of true love nowadays do you? Well, except in movies.

I think it is difficult. We can't have our cake and eat it at the same time. Sacrifices has to be made and we just got to prepare ourselves for the future and to accept the harsher reality of life. At the age of 20, I should well know that fairytales do not exist. I may be happy now but a few years from now who knows? Mm, I do like to think many steps in advance don't I? Uh huh, next time I board a ship I shall inflate my life jacket first. Just to be safe. I sound like I'm trying to justify myself here don't I? Ahah.

Or who knows? Maybe 10 years from now I might be pushing a pram along High Street eating Strawberry and chocolate ice cream with someone I'm madly in love with and certain I would spend my whole life with. Or I might just be spending Christmas working nights in a hospital eating Celebrations out of the tin and Sainsbury's ready made turkey meals feeling sorry for myself.

Ah, just thinking about this gives me indigestion. I shall return to the Anatomy of the Brain now. Sorry for the sombre post. PMS must be getting to me. :)

Turn and Turn Again- All thieves
Worn, from walking this far,
So worn from talking this much,
And what we've found and what we've seen,
as the road curves down,
As the light comes up to meet us,
Silent for the evening,
We enter this town like new born creatures
Those I know and see anew,
And the space between us is reduced,
For I am human..
And you are human too..

So turn and turn again,
We are calling in al the ships,
Every traveller please come home
And tell us all that you have seen
Break every lock to every door
Return every gun to every draw
So we can turn and turn again..

Only priests and pounds can save us now,
Only a sign from God
Or a hurricane can bring about
The change we all want
And we've done it again,
This trick we have,
Of turning love into pain


mmm..

xx

After many weeks of being smothered in books...I finally took my day off today and it was fantastic!

For the first time in weeks I finally had a chance to breathe, to appreciate the sun and catch up on sleep.

I know it's not the end of the exams yet but the final paper is on Tuesday and just the thought of working today gives me a headache and palpitations.

You know I might not have been able to have gotten through this far without you?

When I got home yesterday and sat myself down on my desk, a part of me felt so empty and hollow. I didn't know what to do with the hours of spare time in my hands. I told myself I would give myself a break but when i just sat at my desk and stared into my blank computer screen - I couldn't figure out what to do.

That shows what a miserable life I had been leading. Well, no one said it was easy. :) I worked hard, maybe not hard enough. I hope it pays off.

Season 5 finale of Grey's anatomy was so good. I cried from episode 20 to the final one. Especially the part where the little girl had Tay Sachs and had only few hours to live and her dad couldn't accept it and wanted to fly her out to Mexico. And Bailey questioned Arizona whether is it worth it sometimes..the stuff they were doing? Just seeing more kids die.

And Arizona showed her a kid who recovered from Neuroblastoma and said for everyone few that dies in our care, the one that survives in their care is joy. And that is the most rewarding thing. And yes, it's worth it. Beautiful, no?

Ahh..it feels so good to have 80 percent of me exams done. And soon I will be home having Laksa instead of cereal for breakfast and thronging the gym of the club again. I can't believe how quick the year has gone. Just a few more weeks I will be done with Year 2 and moving on to the 3rd year. Any other course and I would be graduating next year. >.<

I want to graduate......... :( Soon.

I've been shopping too and I've taken a fancy to two handbags. One is a fuschia patent Dolce and Gabbana large shoulder bag which is absolutely classic and gorgeous. And another is the Marc Jacobs baby pink/purple Stam bag. How now?

And I've decided when I return to Bicester village next month, I'm going to get those Dior flats I was so hesitant to buy the last time. They were 50 percent off! >.<

I need to release all my exam stress on shopping..

and food..

Ooh, and I'm gonna get my dress for the May Ball next month too. I'm thinking all white and satin this time. Too weddingy?

Mm, maybe I should go shopping tomorrow.

xx

Exactly one more week to exams.

Have been having trouble juggling so much information I don't think I would be able to regurgitate them during the real day. On top of that I felt my first sense of homesickness for this year. It took all my mental strength to pull myself back from falling into despair and concentrate on work.

I have been sleeping 4 hours a night, eating nothing but cookies everyday and drowning myself in caffeine. I know one day I would have to compensate for this unhealthy lifestyle.

Right now I just don't want to go on. Just want to escape into my dream world with my dream angel and forget about the real world. And then I won't have to worry about exams and expectations.

For once right now, I want someone to care for me. Take all the weight off my mind. But..

it's unlikely.

mm.. I need comfort food.

I need more caffeine.

This might just be my last post till after exams 26th May.

I shall bury myself in more books now.

xx